The gems in this issue were forwarded to me by Gene Spafford ---------------------------------------------------- Originally-from: Andy Koenig @ Bell Labs They just sent out announcements for the conference on massively parallel systems. I got 600 of them. ---------------------------------------------------- Congratulations are in order for Tom Reid. He says he just found out he is the winner of the 1994 Psychic of the Year award. ---------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 13 Oct 90 09:07:18 -0400 From: RIch Epstein <@VM.CC.PURDUE.EDU:REPSTEIN@GWUVM> To: Spaf for Yucks Subject: Stealth Semantics A political cartoon in the Washinton Post showed a confused driver passing a large campaign billboard which read: -------------------------------------------- | T H R O W T H E B U M S O U T ! | | Re-elect Congressman Rottweiler! | -------------------------------------------- || || || || - Rich Epstein, inside the Beltway, but I wish I weren't ---------------------------------------------------- Representative Tim Moore sponsored a resolution in the Texas House of Representatives in Austin, Texas calling on the House to commend Albert de Salvo for his unselfish service to "his country, his state and his community." The resolution stated that "this compassionate gentleman's dedication and devotion to his work has enabled the weak and the lonely throughout the nation to achieve and maintain a new degree of concern for their future. He has been officially recognized by the state of Massachusetts for his noted activities and unconventional techniques involving population control and applied psychology." The resolutiobn was passed unanimously. Representative Moore then revealed that he had only tabled the motion to show how the legislature passes bills and resolutions often without reading them or understanding what they say. Albert de Salvo was the Boston Strangler. ---------------------------------------------------- From LAGLENN@UNCVX1.BITNET: As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality. One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly useful and interesting, I just had to share it. Answer each of the following items "true" or "false" 1. I salivate at the sight of mittens. 2. If I go into the street, I'm apt to be bitten by a horse. 3. Some people never look at me. 4. Spinach makes me feel alone. 5. My sex life is A-okay. 6. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit. 7. I like to kill mosquitoes. 8. Cousins are not to be trusted. 9. It makes me embarrassed to fall down. 10. I get nauseous from too much roller skating. 11. I think most people would cry to gain a point. 12. I cannot read or write. 13. I am bored by thoughts of death. 14. I become homicidal when people try to reason with me. 15. I would enjoy the work of a chicken flicker. 16. I am never startled by a fish. 17. My mother's uncle was a good man. 18. I don't like it when somebody is rotten. 19. People who break the law are wise guys. 20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend. 21. I think beavers work too hard. 22. I use shoe polish to excess. 23. God is love. 24. I like mannish children. 25. I have always been diturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears. 26. I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools. 27. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye. 28. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs. 29. I believe I smell as good as most people. 30. Frantic screams make me nervous. 31. It's hard for me to say the right thing when I find myself in a room full of mice. 32. I would never tell my nickname in a crisis. 33. A wide necktie is a sign of disease. 34. As a child I was deprived of licorice. 35. I would never shake hands with a gardener. 36. My eyes are always cold. This is "The North Dakota Null Hyupothesis Brain Inventory" by Art Buchwald. The author lost the answer key, but if any of you out there have really good insights into your personality as a result of this test, it's time to be committed. ---------------------------------------------------- From: JMGREULICH@miavx1.UUCP (JEFF GREULICH) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: I was going how fast??? Message-ID: Date: 14 Oct 90 10:30:04 GMT The following message was written by a couple of guys at the University of Dayton. Unfortunately, they don't have access to News. But it would be a pity if this wasn't shared with with world. (their permission was given, of course) ------------------------------------- Recently I have been pestered with a series of deeply scientific questions...All evolving out of the age old question..... If you're driving at the speed of Light and you turn your headlights on..What happens? These were quickly followed by If you're driving at the speed of light and...